Funny Jokes - Recently Updated Pages

Lawyer

bonnie@azhttp.com — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 14:29:07 CST

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Senator.

Funny Jokes

bonnie@azhttp.com — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 13:20:50 CST

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11.Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12..It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play
chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go
somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

.
MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...?
Amnesia What did you just ask me?
Apathy I don't care.
Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Damnation Go to hell!
Dyslexia Beeing Sackwards
Egotistical I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive Go do your homework.
Flatulent That question really stinks!
Hostility If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
Ignorance I don't know.
Indifference It doesn't matter.
Influenza You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Irreverent I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Masturbation Your father can handle that question.
Narcissism Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Over-Protective I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Paranoid You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Procrastination I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive I already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Suspicious Why are you asking me all these questions?
Funny Jokes

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE... NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WAS UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7% OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99% OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHOKINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND, BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

37. JUST REMEMBER--IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

Funny Jokes

Social Workers

bonnie@azhttp.com — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:35:51 CST

A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side.
Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

Jokes

bonnie@azhttp.com — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 15:43:37 CST

A mother and baby camel are talking one
day when the baby camel asks, "Mom,
why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we
trek across the desert your toes will help
you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom,
why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your
eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks,
"Mom, why have I got these great big humps
on my back??" The mother, now a little
impatient with the boy replies, "They are
there to help us store water for our long
treks across the desert, so we can go
without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet
to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to
keep the sand from our eyes and these
humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

Funny Jokes - Wisdom

bonnie@azhttp.com — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 13:20:57 CST

Funny Jokes - Wisdom

WORDS OF WISDOM

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like
it.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are
urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to
cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

bonnie@azhttp.com — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 13:10:49 CST

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Funny Jokes - Florida Drug Problem

bonnie@azhttp.com — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 13:58:09 CST

The State of Florida had a problem.

The drug busts over the years had filled their storage areas with
Marijuana.

It was decided the only option was to burn all of the Marijuana on hand.

The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana was torched.

The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.

At this time a flock of Terns flew through this cloud.

A group of forest rangers were sent out to assure the well-being of the
Terns.

They followed this flock until they finally landed.

The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and issue a
report that read:

Not a Tern was left unstoned.

The Wisdom of Will Rogers:

bonnie@azhttp.com — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 14:42:54 CST

The Wisdom of Will Rogers:
Don't squat with your spurs on.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

Funny Jokes - BEING IN PRISON ~vs~ BEING A HOMEMAKER

bonnie@azhttp.com — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 15:50:02 CST

In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids
to eat it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and
mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids
can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it
again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego
creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote
control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons
thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot
and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat
for the next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions
of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you
die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room,
sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is
up. At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and
clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang
out in your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too,
and what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order
to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how
long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody
else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't
clean.

In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and
make sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse
and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

Home

funnyjokes — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 17:49:09 CDT

Space Monkeys

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two
monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought
they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them
up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is
mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's
engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission
control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle
separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to
the astronaut..."

At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't
touch anything."

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computer virus

An e-mail computer virus swept across the globe that automatically opens pornographic websites on the victim's screen. Authorities intended to track down the hackers responsible for the virus just as soon as somebody complains.

Left Something To Be Desired

As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.

One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."

Texas Figgers of Speech

1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory

2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
Not very generous

3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
All talk and no action

4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
We've made a brief acquaintance but have not been formally introduced.

5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE DOGS.
We really could use a little rain around here.

7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN FLY.
Appearances can be deceptive.

8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
I've been around awhile.

9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN' HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
Not the most handsome of men.

10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID ! GRACE.
Living in sin.

11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN WITH THE ANTELOPE.
Stop arguing and do as you're told.

12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATIN' HORSE.
Rather prone to boasting.

13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DON'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
You can say whatever you want about something, but it doesn't change what it is.

14. WE'RE IN TALL COTTON.
Things are going well