Space Monkeys

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two
monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought
they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them
up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is
mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's
engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission
control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle
separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to
the astronaut..."

At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't
touch anything."



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computer virus

An e-mail computer virus swept across the globe that automatically opens pornographic websites on the victim's screen. Authorities intended to track down the hackers responsible for the virus just as soon as somebody complains.

Left Something To Be Desired

As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.

One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."

Texas Figgers of Speech


1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory

2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
Not very generous

3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
All talk and no action

4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
We've made a brief acquaintance but have not been formally introduced.

5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE DOGS.
We really could use a little rain around here.

7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN FLY.
Appearances can be deceptive.

8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
I've been around awhile.

9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN' HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
Not the most handsome of men.

10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID ! GRACE.
Living in sin.

11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN WITH THE ANTELOPE.
Stop arguing and do as you're told.

12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATIN' HORSE.
Rather prone to boasting.

13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DON'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
You can say whatever you want about something, but it doesn't change what it is.

14. WE'RE IN TALL COTTON.
Things are going well